Sunday, March 14, 2010

My "Somebody"

As I walk into the dim lit room with the song "love shack" blaring, I see the usual clusters of naive love-starving girls dancing up a storm and then I join one of them. Of course very few guys are grooving to the tune, most of them are mysterious wallflowers scoping and waiting for a different song. As I dance, I scan around the gymnasium, squinting to see if their face looks "good" in the deceiving faint light. And if there is a possible cute one, I try to keep track of him, in hopes I can catch his eye, as I try to bust my best dance moves possible.

A couple slow songs play. One guy I ask to dance with looked alright from a distance, but as we danced and asked each other simple questions, I didn't care whether he was justifiably cute or not. Because he is reeking of nacho breath and a piece of chip is stuck in his teeth wedged within his braces...ick! gross! I try not to look obvious turning my head to gasp for fresh air and then continue to hold my breath till the song ends. Then as always, the next guy that asks me...I don't want to dance with, but don't have the heart to say no to. He's one of the few that has danced non-stop to every single song and his shirt is completely drenched with sweat. So I'm stuck not only smelling his body odor, but I keep a big distance beween us and I have the tips of my fingers resting as lightly as possible on his left shoulder and with my right hand I stiffen my fingers trying not to hold his clammy hand completely. The song drags on and seems to never end. I'm screaming inside saying,"Someone end the song! HELP ME!!!" Then afterward I find my girlfriends to warn them. That way when the next slow song comes on, if that particular guy is walking towards them wanting to dance, they can hopefully escape the same dreadful fate.

Then... "the song" comes on ...a small whistling sound, then the sound of a heart beat, "Somebody" by Depeche Mode. And for some reason, I feel like my heart is now beating faster. I look to find the right guy to dance with for this particular song. I ask him, hoping he's actually glad that I asked. I'm soaking in every word being sung as we rock in circles, wondering who is my "somebody"? is it him? Meanwhile he's just dancing, he's not pondering deeply on the desperate lyrics like me. During the song I hope he might look at me that special way, or I might feel that spark that you always dream about. Nope, just wishful thinking. After many dances to that song at many church dances, I realize it's just a song, it doesn't cast a love spell on anyone like you wish it could. From that point I never let the song taunt me like it used to. I'd dance with any guy to the song, like it was any other irrelevant song. But I was still the same young love-starved girl in high school. And I would be long after for quite awhile as I experienced love in all of it's beguiling forms.

I tricked my heart many times thinking certain ones just had to be my "somebody." Only to find after being crushed, that I was forcing them to be my "somebody" when they never should be. Thus I became more and more bitter after every dead end love and I decided to forget about my stupid "somebody". I wasted my heart on pointless prospects, knowing I would get hurt. Not knowing all the heartaches would actually help me in return to recognize my "somebody".

Funny enough, my "somebody" never went to dances. He stepped foot into one once, then never again. He detested them (still does). And that's not where I would meet him. Years later after I moved to Arizona, I had more failed quests for love. I was completely bitter with the male species when I was soon to meet my "somebody". I didn't know what my "type" was anymore or what to look for. So when I randomly fellowshipped my "somebody" at church one Sunday, I never once thought, could this be my "somebody"?

The first few dates, I wasn't sure what to think, I was simply sick of the love game. Tired of my heart getting used and stomped on. But something inside me told me I'd be a fool not to give him a chance. As we continued to see each other and I tried to break down my wall of bitterness. I saw he was different from all the guys I'd usually pursue, completely opposite. It kept me curious. Right before we met, I had decided that any guy I would possibly date, I would ask any question I wanted, and if he wouldn't answer me honestly upfront, I wouldn't gamble my heart on them. So the first date I asked him what qualities he wanted in a girl. I told him mine, along with my bitter tales of jerks. Probably not a fun thing to hear about on one of the first dates. But he still listened and continued to take me out. I never thought about how considerate he was to stick around with such a whiny man-hater!

After a few dates, still confused about how I felt for him, I decided a kiss would reveal if there was something more. My heart was so empty, I didn't know what to feel anymore. I could tell he'd been wanting to kiss me for some time, but he was probably afraid of rejection, since I scared him with my bitterness. So after we kissed, still tangled in thoughts I blurted out, "Why should I date you?!" then he astounded me more than I ever imagined. He answered immediately and said, "You won't be disappointed..." my mouth dropped in awe, was I dreaming? he then said, "I promise I will never treat you the way any of those guys did." For the first time I realized, maybe my "somebody" does exist. He later on confirmed that with the words,"I will never let you go," The exact words I had wrote in my journal that I wished someone would tell me. I was tired of guys not caring about losing me.

I thought I knew what type was my "somebody", but I was completely wrong. The surprise to discover my "somebody" was nothing I imagined, but everything I needed still amazes me now. There's no such thing as a perfect "somebody". But there is "somebody" that holds those missing elements that complement you in such a way that is rare, which undeniably makes perfect love. He helped me see love in a different light. Real love I didn't know existed. And I may have never found it, until I let it find me.

This song randomly popped in my head a few days ago and I started singing it out loud. I laughed at the memories of where I first heard it, a good ol' church dance. So I decided to write about my memory of it and how the song correlated with my life. The song can seem a tad desperate, yet it describes exactly what most of us want in love, especially when you are a hopeless romantic (that's me).

Now I just need to get him to dance with me at least once to this song. (((Haha!)))

Monday, March 1, 2010

My only thought now.

Be Prepared - Mentally, Physically, Spiritually

Another earthquake this time it hits Chile. I shudder in disbelief as I'm looking at the pictures of the after affects. I remind myself everyday to be grateful. But not just grateful, the spirit reminded me, I must focus more on the other 5 "Be's", counsel given by Prophet Gordon B. Hinckley he said: Be Humble, Be Prayerful, Be Honest, Be True, Be Clean. What plain and simple concepts we can remember! We must BE PREPARED.

In a minute, my life can change or end. Like those that have suffered in Haiti and Chile. It's so hard to comprehend, but I've been trying to comprehend. In relief society the lesson was about trials and commandments, and why the Lord gives them to us. They are to help us. Commandments keep us safe from harm, Trials test us, teach us, humble us, to see if we will focus on the Savior and submit ourselves completely to his will. I commented during the lesson and said it shouldn't take a sad tragic calamity to cause us to help others. We should be helping family, friends and our neighbors everyday. Sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ most importantly. Being prepared, such as food storage.

I admit. I find myself living in my little La La Land, fantasy world, where everything is perfect, nothing bad happens. My husband reminds me quite frequently that there are always bad things happening and realize I must face the brutal truth of it. I don't want to. I have to. It doesn't mean I need to get enveloped in the sad events or "what if's". It just means I need to get out of my dream world, so to speak. I shouldn't be scared or sad 24/7, but just be aware, faithful, optimistic and...PREPARED.

It also means I focus more on what I do every day with my time. Because I want to live each day like it's my last. Strive to be the best I can be. Things that ARE already part of me daily are:

  • Saying I love you to my husband and daughter.
  • Kissing my husband when he gets home and thanking him for how hard he works to provide for our family.
  • Maintaining good health (eating well, exercise, etc.)
  • Strengthening my marriage. By listening and understanding each other.
  • Making dinner every night. My husband deserves it. And it makes home, smell like home. (My mom was a pro at that. I loved it.)
  • I sing church hymns/songs often. It helps us feel the spirit more daily. Strengthens our testimony.
  • Reading, playing, and just enjoying every moment with my daughter.

Things I need to MAKE a part of me are:

  • Find a scripture each day that I can ponder and apply to my life.
  • Not let little things annoy or upset me.
  • Focusing on the things my husband does that shows he loves me. And not be so needy (haha!)
  • Attending the temple once a month as a priority.
  • Work on my little bad habits that I forget about often.
  • Remember we are all God's children. Love my enemies.
  • Better food storage!
  • Finding ways to share the gospel more often (with neighbors/acquaintances).
  • Financially prepared and aware.

Those are just a few that I know will make me feel more prepared physically, mentally and most importantly spiritually. I pray that I will be more mindful of those around me. To find ways to serve others and serve the Lord in anyway I can. I want to be his instrument. I want to become like my Savior. I want to be remembered as someone who always put the Lord first. And for my children to learn and remember to always put the Lord first. So when and if a devastation occurs, I will be strong enough physically, mentally and spiritually to handle it. Concluding that in all things I will always put my trust in the Lord.